I did something that I said I would never do.
I started doing drugs again a few years ago after I stopped my cocaine addiction. This time it was harder, and this time my drug of choice was even worse than the previous one (ice). My mind was always running, my breath always shallow, my awareness is screaming for me to let go of it, but every time I try to stop--- my body would literally hurt all over, my brain screaming that it wants more, and my soul begging for me not to do it.
I was doing it early evenings and it would go on the next day until my body gets exhausted and I would sleep in the afternoon and crash for another 12 hours. I didn't eat. I was skinny, and I wanted more. But deep inside, I wanted to end this madness.
I called my best friend and I told him what I didn't want to tell anybody else. That I have an addiction and it was eating me alive.
I told him, "I need your help. I really want to stop." He didn't judge me.
He didn't get mad at me.
He listened to me.
And he gave me an advice and said "Try to go to a float tank. It removes the toxins from your body." I researched. Floating is known as "sensory deprivation chamber". The tank is filled with 10 inches of water which contains lots of Epsom salt to create a specific gravity of 1.275. It literally makes you float, your body and muscles relax. I didn't know it'll be much deeper than that.
I went to the float center and while I was inside, i felt darkness loom all over me. I closed my eyes, and felt all the energy in my body. There was a specific frequency of music that they play inside the pod, and it makes you come in and out of consciousness. While I was floating, the darkness went away and all i felt was peace. Relaxation. I am safe. I am supported.
At one point in one of my sessions, I couldn't wake up. They had to get me out of the pod. I felt like my body was there but my consciousness is somewhere else, in another plane of existence.
My addiction stopped there. It took me a few sessions when the feeling of "wanting it" stopped. When you move your energy in this physical reality through relaxing your body and working with water and music frequency, it is astounding how you can put your mind, body, and spirit into one.
At one point I could've stopped my addiction by committing suicide. But I've had a lot of friends who took their own lives by doing that. Ending my life isn't gonna heal me or anybody else. I believe it is a selfish choice.
But I ended my suffering through understanding myself deeply; different ways of healing naturally; walking with those who are suffering; and ending this cycle of pain and emptiness that we all feel. And some of us still feel it from time to time. No judgements here. We're humans.
Some won't understand the work I did emotionally and spiritually to get here, and that's OK.
I wanted to write this vulnerable post because I see addiction everywhere. It is EVERYWHERE because we're afraid to go deep within ourselves and immerse ourselves in the pain we're feeling. Anything unresolved within our energy field will keep manifesting itself in our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual life until we actually heal it. There's no escaping this. In order to love who you are, you can't hate the experiences that shaped you.
And I want you to know, that it is ultimately your choice to heal and grow. No matter where you are in your life, it is never too late to stop what you think you have no control over.
For those who think that drug addicts are lowlifes, please understand that it's hard as hell getting clean. And if you are an ex-drug addict, I see you. I see your growth. Use this to uplift others. I am so proud of your growth!!! 🙏🏻