I was a total fucking bitch that gave zero fucks about other people's feelings.⠀
One day, an ex-boyfriend of mine sent me a long message, telling me how much I hurt him emotionally and asking me how I could be so heartless? ⠀
It was a defense mechanism. My heart was SO guarded that I wouldn't let anybody in. There was NO WAY you could make me fall in love because I always had an agenda. It was to break men's hearts.⠀
But then it really hit me when he said "Please care about me, Ming. Please care about me."⠀
At that moment when I read that, I just remembered WHY I stopped caring. Why I stopped loving unconditionally.⠀
My first love broke my heart into tiny little pieces. I begged for him to stay. I kneeled. And he and his other woman was just staring at me. I felt like an idiot and told myself I would never let anyone hurt me that way ever again. So I never let my guard down. I enjoyed sex but nobody could ever get TOO close or I would walk away. ⠀
This was the personality that I identified myself with, all my habits and behavioral patterns which made me care less about other human beings because it was my way to cope with my trauma.
Then I started questioning myself... "Who am I outside of my pain?"
"Who would I be if I stopped living my life in the past... feeling anger, revenge, and hate all the time?" I opened my heart again.
I started taking chances again.
And because I KNOW who I really am and what I really want, I allowed myself to fall so deeply and unconditionally in love, the people from my past wouldn't ever understand how I changed.
I am grateful for the lessons I've learned, and I would like to share one with you. If you don't know how to work on yourself, you wouldn't know how to work on your relationship. 🙏🏻